I feel like this picture pictures me tonight. Tired. Tired but hopeful. Mostly tired.Since I'm writing in here, you know I haven't been sleeping well again, it seems like the only time I ever have anything to say after midnight. Or maybe I just feel things more keenly after then, it seems like thats true.
Tonight I'm feeling the pressure of wanting too many things that I am not certain of. My heart feels very fickle, and a little bit sick. Mostly, I suppose, I just want one thing, but there seems to be a hundred different directions with a hundred empty endings I could run to trying to find it. Tonight is a rare feeling lately.
I've been very happy recently. Maybe the happiest I've ever been in my life. Really. And my life is pretty boring. Six days a week I get up late, I find nothing in the fridge that looks good for breakfast, nothing in the pantry, I settle for V8, I check the fridge again in vain, I go running for about an hour, I find nothing appetizing for lunch, I take a shower, I settle on something to eat that ends up making me feel a little sick, I do my makeup, I go to work, I come home, I study korean and recently chinese (I work at a Japanese Steakhouse where all the asians are Chinese, and one of them, one of the nicest people I know, bought me a mandarin workbook.), I talk on the phone to people who are incredibly far away from me, I feel really lonely for about 30 seconds, until I tell myself that all my hard work now will pay off in the future, and then I brush my teeth, put on RiffTrax and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. On the 7th day, I wish I had someone to call to do something with, but it's Monday and I have very few friends here, none that aren't married with real jobs really. So I do nothing.
Despite the dark twist I've spun upon that, I really am happy. Are you happy? Lets be happy. Tired, but happy. Mostly happy.
