I smile and wave and talk shit until I feel sick to my stomach and I wish I could start over again somewhere nowhere near here. I want new skin.
Always wanting what's just out of reach--that's me. Ungrateful, longing, desperation mingled with loathing for a naturally obsequious nature that I can't fucking change. I can't let you down even if I hate you. I can't. It's too many variables, it's math and I don't understand it so I can't do anything about it.
God I want this to end so bad I can taste it metallic like blood.
Immortality or oblivion on either side of a coin. Always out of reach.
Found a new obsession, I guess you could call it a muse but in reality he's not real either. Not for me at least. Only the wanting is. Only the guilt and fear that settles deep under my skin. I want to cry and scream and start over again. I know that I can't. That I won't.
Almost face to face with what my soul longs for and again it's out of reach. Still I cling to this hope, this misguided grasping because I'm so selfish I can't make myself look away. All my self control slipping away.
want want want
