This is what happened today:

Today I made shirts. I made one with a bleeded pocket boy listening to some sort of music ( I like to think its Elliott Smith) and one with birds and a french proverb. I am almost finished with them and will ship them out tomorrow. Along with a box for my best friend.

Right now, I am in a cute coffee shop in Urbana, drinking a lovely latte made by a nice boy and staring at this screen, and one with a story on loop about a girl whose teacher cut her braids off, and I am wondering why anyone would do such a thing, and even more why anyone would care to broadcast it on the news. Why should we care?

Mostly I'm feeling very happy, and a little lonely, but not enough to make me very sad, just enough to push into being creative and doing something and I like this feeling alot. I am learning to like it alot. "The pleasure that your sadness brings..."

I came here with the intention of writing more of my story, or whathaveyou but I don't know where to go with it. I don't know where to go with my life either and I think this is a big part of it. Where are we going?

Now there are kids in here and I can think, only hear them scream and watch them run around while their parents do nothing.

I think I need a vacation. From everything.

:)

I am thinking about bliss.

There were too many eyes today. Too many people everywhere. I couldn't think with all the noise--the electricity emanating from everyone….they didn’t even have to speak..I could feel it...its everywhere...buzzing humming screeching…I couldn’t think with that. I couldn’t focus on anything. I havent really slept well in two weeks. Theres too much humming. We are all electrified...I can taste the static in the air...I can’t sleep again.

I can’t sleep.

But I can write and blink. I can sing and laugh and drink. And apparently, rhyme, however unintentionally. I can push that shouting static far into the back of my mind and pretend its behind me.

I can make lattes for douchebags for 9 hours a day, like I did earlier today. Some of them aren't really douchebags, some of them are kind, in a way. I am just angry at having to waste so much of my life making them 5 dollar lattes when I feel like there are so many other valuable to things to do with money and time. We rob each other. We rob ourselves.

I get to drive home for an hour, listening to the radio, the speakers steadily spewing soundwaves. Its phenomenal, its frightful. Its easy to tune out and I like that. Sometimes I don't remember how I got home, I just sort of wake up out of one of those trances we can get into while driving monotonous trips and find myself in my driveway. It certainly makes the time fly by. I am not sure how I feel about this.

I get to spend all day in the library tomorrow, smelling the musty paper and perfume from its ancient inhabitants (old books and old bats). I am looking forward to this. I will see crazy man and he will try to hug me again and will smell like patchouli and smoke. I will see my favorite barista at my favorite coffee shop and we will talk about something that makes the time it takes him to pour hot water into the tea cup worthwhile and not waste of life and money. It will be beautiful, blissful.

I'm talking crazy and I know it, I just can't stop. I have to show you my thoughts, in a diagram, in ink and paint or pencil and crayons. I wish we had telepathy. Maybe then we could understand each other. I never know which words to say and all my meanings come out twisted and skewed and never quite like I want them to sound or feel.

I give up.

Have a good night.

I get a sick feeling, like I'm rocking in a little boat.

On Monday I realised my life long dream of seeing Conor Oberst play live. It was hands down, without a doubt, 100 percent the best thing I have ever done/seen/experienced. I loved every second of it. Its funny though, you know when you're really excited about something and you spend so long looking forward to it, that when its over you're left with a sort of "now what?" feeling? Well, I have that but on a much bigger scale. Now what? Not just with this week, or this month, or this year, but now what do I do with my life? I guess just seeing someone that has become such an indescribable influence on my life, and how I act and think and live, doing something he really loves, and doing it well makes me think: now what? When am I going to find something that matters that much? When am I going to step up and stop being so lackadaisical about my life? When am I going to finally figure out what I want to do, and then do it no matter what everyone else has to say or think? Conor was talking about one of the songs he wrote about how some people always need to have a reason for everything, and how he doesn't really believe in reasons (which is something I've said for a long time too) at least not for every small act. We don't need hundreds of little reasons for everything, just one for everything. He talked about how we have once chance here to make a reason for ourselves, and our lives and that we have to hold on to that. I need to find my reason. My real one.

I'll let you know when I do. Or maybe, I wont have to.

You made my head ache, you were that great, but now you're gone and life is wonderful.

Today I am alone and it doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean that I am worthless. That I am not loved. It doesn't mean that I am depressed or tired. It doesn't mean that I don't have anyone to talk to or any way to relate. 

I am just alone and it doesn't mean anything.

This is kind of a new thing for me. 

I don't like it. I don't hate it. 

It works.

And right now, that...that...is the best thing I could ask for. 

Weather Reports.

I will never love anyone more than I love that man. Haha. He makes life so much better on such a regular basis, its just...wow. His new album comes out tomorrow, and I don't know where to buy it from. Since Dingleberry's closed, so I've been at a loss. Tragic.

My favorite barista is back from college and working at the coffee shop again. Its funny how much you can miss people you don’t really know. Maybe I didn’t really miss him, just the best damn soy chai drinks ever. Maybe I missed him a little and those alot. I think I am in love with him a little bit. I am sure I am. But I am in love with lots of people a little bit. Sometimes it feels like my heart is never pure, that its fickle or fake. Its muddied with the faces of so many people. It makes things very confusing. It makes things very sad. I guess I am waiting for someone to fill up so much space in it that it makes everything else seem small and insignificant in comparison. Maybe that is unreasonable.

I have been reading SexGod again, and I really liked the point that Rob Bell makes in the end where he talks about how couples need to be careful of how much they share with other people, because once you do, you've lost it. It's not yours anymore. I thought that was interesting, something I've never really thought about, but it makes so much sense. I don't really know where I'm going with that, but I thought it was worth a mention. 

I read Catcher in the Rye again today. Holden Caufield is absolutely fantastic. He's so honest. He doesn't make any sense, and he knows this. I like that.

I guess thats all I really have for today. I try writing these things a hundred times, and nothing ever comes out right, but I'm just going to deal with it this time. 

Goodnight.

I miss the sound of your voice.

I've had Matt Nathanson's "Come On Get Higher" stuck in my head on repeat for the last two weeks.  It's a wonderful, wonderful thing. I LOVE that song! haha.

I have tried about 5 times to write a new blog on here, but each of them ended up somewhere I didn't want them to be. They didn't say what I wanted them to say. I hate that it's always that way. I can't ever say what I mean. I wish there was a way to capture incoherent thought and feelings and transplant it into someone else's head. It would make things easier. Maybe we would understand a each other a little more.

I was thinking this earlier while I set a record for most amount of time on the phone tonight, but I'm ok with it. :) I just wish that as always, I wasn't so awkward on the phone. Especially when I have to get off the phone. Thats the worst. Yish. Me and the forming of verbal words into coherent sentences = fail. 

These past couple days I've taken up reading again because its been so nice outside that all I want to do is lay on blankets and read. I've been alternating between Anthony Buzzard's The Doctrine of the Trinity (Christianity's Self-Inflicted Wound) and Love This, and Masquerade. The latter being a teen book about quasi-vampire manhattan elite teen socialite fallen angels. If you're thinking that list seems a tad incongruent, its only because it is. I guess I needed something to balance it out. 

I'm really tired all of a sudden, so I think I'm just going to write more on this tomorrow. Yes. Lovely.

It made my head ache. It was that that great.

Today found itself midwest gray missing southern sky blue. Maybe that was just me. 

I always dislike the past couple days after an event (in this case, ABC-I) because it takes me a while to get used to having nothing to do and no one around. It takes me a while to get used to the nothing. It sounds horrible, and a little more than slightly depressing, but thats only because it is. This is why something had to give. This is why, as terrifying, and uncertain and sad it will be for Jaymin and I to move, it will be so worth it. It will be something new. Something with purpose and people. There isn't much of that here right now. 

Although to be completely honest, I think ABC-I worked on me this year. I'm only a couple credits short of my degree from there, I am trying to see if it would work out that I could go there this fall semester to finish before moving with Jaymin. I just don't know how the finances would work out, seeing as though I don't have any right now. It would certainly make my part of the move easier, to already have condensed most of my stuff and have it only a couple hours away. Plus, its something I've been wanting to do for awhile now, I was just afraid that I would be asked to stay here, that my dad or my grandparents would want me to stay, and that I wouldnt be able to say no. Silly reasoning, I know, but its a big part of why I left to begin with. I hate disappointing people. 

Just something I've been thinking about. 

I've been thinking about too many things recently, and I dont always know what to do with these manic thoughts spinning behind my eyes, so it helps to vent some of them, sometimes. I kind of feel like my brain only has two settings, swirling mess, or vapid vacuum. I'm either thinking too much or not at all, and I wish there was a medium setting. haha. 

I hope everything turns out alright. I am sure it will. 

"All I ever wanted was to know what to do." -Dave Eggers

This is what I was trying to say at ABC-I. It just didn't happen. Sucktastic. I thought you might appreciate reading it though Jaymin.

Direction Notes

Tonight we’re going to talk about direction, which I thought was a great topic to talk about, because I don’t know about you, but I’m still looking for mine. So all this stuff we’re going to be talking about, I’m learning too. I’ve gotten to the age where all my friends are graduating colleges and getting real careers or getting married or having babies...beautiful perfect babies with comic book names. And I’m still turning circles trying to figure out what I’m going to do next. 

Today we are going to talk about someone who had direction, it was just the wrong one.

In Acts 7 we have the stoning of Stephen, but we’re going to be focusing on Saul’s role in what happened. A little background information, Stephen is the first martyr for jesus, he gave a passionate speech that ended up really wounding the pharisees pride and they ended up stoning him for it. We’re coming in just before that happened. 

 

 54When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56"Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."

 57At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.

 59While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." 60Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.

1And Saul was there, giving approval to his death.

Now, it seems bad enough, here we have Saul, watching and even approving of the murder of a Prophet of God. Lets look a little deeper into that.

After 6 AD the Romans outlawed unaccounted for capital punishment within the Jewish community, in order stop vigilantes. So after that the Jews had to report and account for the people who were put to death, and the way they would do this was by throwing their coats at the feet of the person who was going to take responsibility for this. That, in this case was Saul. 

Now, this is made even more interesting because Saul is a student of Gamaliel, who was a famous and hugely respected Rabbi and member of the Sanhedrin, the jewish council at the time. 

Two chapters earlier we see that some members of the Sanhedrin wanted to put the apostles, and people preaching about Jesus--one of which was Stephen-- to death, and Gamaliel stood up and spoke for them, saying to leave them alone. To let them go, because if what the apostles were preaching was false like so many other disciples of random people claiming to be the messiah, then it would fail, it wouldn’t last. You see, Jesus wasn’t the first man to go around claiming to be the Messiah that the Jews were waiting for. Gamaliel told the Sanhendrin that if these men were false, God would take care of it like he did the others. 

And here we have Saul was so turned around that he was going against his teacher...he was defying the judgement of Gamaliel…This was unheard of. I can’t even think of a good analogy for it, it just didn’t happen.

And not only did Saul act against Gamaliel in this act, but he also began hunting down and persecuting others involved in The Way, which was what the Jesus movement was called at the time. He was looking for anyone he thought might be a threat to his religion, to his lifestyle, he went to their houses, door to door, finding people who believed in Jesus’ message and even doing that in his own country wasn’t enough, he began to travel to others and bring them back to Jerusalem for imprisonment… 

HE WAS GOING SO FAR THE WRONG WAY HE WAS CROSSING STATE LINES! haha. 

Here is a man that was not going in the right direction. 

But with a little help he gets turned around

In Acts 9 things change for Saul. 

1Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples. He went to the high priest 2and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. 3As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. 4He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?"

 5"Who are you, Lord?" Saul asked.

   "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," he replied. 6"Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do."

 7The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. 8Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. 9For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

 10In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision, "Ananias!"
      "Yes, Lord," he answered.

 11The Lord told him, "Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. 12In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight."

 13"Lord," Ananias answered, "I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem. 14And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name."

 15But the Lord said to Ananias, "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel.

This is Saul finding his direction. His purpose. Jesus himself lays it out for him. From then on things go pretty quickly for Saul, who is now called Paul, he starts preaching Jesus and within a couple weeks he already had the people he was working with before wanting to kill him. He’d found his direction.

Now, lets hope none of us have to be blinded to find out which way we should be going. I’d prefer that none of us send death threats to each other as well.

Switching gears a little bit,

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote- All men want, not something to DO WITH, but something to DO, or rather, something to BE.”

Direction might start with finding somewhere to go, or something to do...but it’s sustained by finding out who to be. 

 

When you know who you are, what you are here for, what you stand for--then your actions will naturally coincide with that a little bit easier. When you know that you are loved, blessed, set apart from all the crap in this world...that you are above that...that God made to you be someone to show his love in this world, today, to act out his mercy and grace and his compassion everyday with everyone around…that even though its difficult and even though you will make mistakes, you will have problems, it will be a constant daily battle...but you’re strong enough for it.  When you know that, your direction, it starts becoming a little clearer.

Saul was created to be a preacher of the kingdom--a chosen instrument, of jesus and his love and his message. Saul was meant to travel his world and preach to all sorts of people… He was created to change the world. 

Another thing to note is that Saul had all of this zeal, and all of this passion already in him, as it says--even following christians out of the country to persecute them. He was already using some of his passion, He was just going the wrong way. He hadn’t found his purpose, his direction. 

His story wasn’t easy. His direction wasn’t a path of little resistance. The verse after the one we read, Acts 9, Jesus is still speaking….and says: “I will show him how much he must suffer for my name."

 Wouldn’t that be lovely, Jesus himself, saying...man, this is going to be hard. Oh, thanks Jesus, nice to know.

Saul’s story had action and tragedy and love and forgiveness and violence and all sorts of mess that makes it memorable. That makes him set apart. We read it in the bible, or if you come to ABC you read about him in textbooks and it all seems very monotone and oddly like the sound of your 3rd grade sunday school teachers voice--the one with the slight mustache that you couldn’t not look at...or maybe thats just me. But it seems very boring until you put it in the context that this was a man who lived and breathed his passion, who embraced every opportunity to live up to what he was meant to be, to constantly follow the direction that God laid out for his life. A man with a story so powerfully moving, so extraordinary that we read about it almost two thousand years later.

“Le monde est un livre dont chaque pas on ouvre un page.”

The world is a book, each step opens a page for us.

Awesome things happen in your life when you find your direction. When you let God help you to become what you were made to be.