Excurse at 2am.

Its 1:39 in the morning and I just got back from Josh and Jen's. It's a long drive from there, but well worth it, even though I wish they would go ahead and invent the teleporter already. I'm ready for it. It's a pretty creepy drive, all cornfields and small towns, and granaries and railroad tracks. Everything is black and quiet, and feels like the instant in a movie before a vampire swoops down and blood gushes everywhere. Or just before the psychotic serial killer's knife gleams in the rear view mirror. That's what I get to think about on drives home from Troy.
Maybe that's why I always end up listening to the most bizarre stuff on the radio. This is the only time I listen to the actual radio, at 1am on the way back from Troy. I listen to Jeff Daniels, and Howie Day, and Foreigner, and Prince, and sing—oh the singing! Singing always makes everyone feel better, although it did give me a sore throat to accompany my headache.
Kyle called right while we were talking about him, around midnight. Funny. Speak of the Kyle, and he shall call you from 500 miles away.
Yesterday, or I suppose now it was two days ago, was my birthday type event. It went well, just had my grandparents over. I like it like that though; I get weird when there are lots of people sitting in a semi-circle watching me open gifts, like some sort of birthday spectacle. Its an awkward disliked situation for me. I never know how to react; I would much rather not get any gifts at all, or just open them all in private later, and thank everyone individually or whatnot.
It makes them happy, though, to see the look on your face, I guess. But it just makes me uncomfortable, I don't know why. It's my least favorite part about birthdays, oddly enough. Mine was good though. I'm 20 now; there is no longer a "teen" in my age title. I think I'm ok with that.

Im just uncertain. Habitually uncertain. Chronic self-doubt. I dont know what to do, ever. Life isnt getting any clearer, if anything its getting worse. I was more sure about the future at 15 than I am now. I think Im losing hope. I've worked all summer at the church and it was great, I loved it (even though I have never been so poor in my life, and now I have to cut most of it out so I can get some sort of job so I have gas money to get to the Church), but there is something more, something missing. I want to work for God, I want to live passionately, dangerously, whole heartedly following Jesus, but I dont know how or where to begin. I dont want to do it alone either. I cant. 
I know this is a time when I am supposed to be making myself better, 
becoming who I am supposed to be. 
Its just hard when you feel like you are completely alone in everything 
almost all the time. 
The cornfields are not much for company, or maybe thats just me. 
It all just seems so daunting.  Its all so frustrating. It should be so simple.


I'm going to bed.