This is my reoccurring theme. Mostly because it bothers me and I don’t have any real answers to anything about it.
What do you think of when you think of “love”?
…just a question.
I don’t get people in relationships. I don’t get relationships when I’m in them. So, unfortunately and too bad for me, I don’t often get in them.
It all seems so easy…but its not. It’s hard. It’s frustrating before you’re in a relationship because of the uncertainty and awkwardness, and once you are in them because of the selfishness imposed upon them. And that selfishness isn’t even just dating relationships, friendships as well. It seems like more often than not, with loving someone, it’s really only about what we can get out of that other person. Its always that they will make me feel whole, they will make me happy, they will make me less lonely, they will buy me dinner or take me to a movie, or they will do some never-ending list of tasks for me. They will take care of me. Me. It’s relationship masturbation.
Oscar Wilde: “Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling, and Domine, non sum dignus, should be on the lips and in the hearts of those receiving it.”
I don’t want to spend my whole life worrying about me. I don’t find myself interesting enough for that. I want to think and care about someone else. I want that someone else to worry about me. It doesn’t work if someone loves you as much as you love you. Self-esteem and worth are important (if you don’t feel worthy of love, how can you give or receive it?), but self-obsession has been robbing so many people of knowing real love.
Conor Oberst: “You think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love.”
It always takes something really awful for someone to appreciate what they have, or worst-case scenario, had. It does for me, at least, but I’m also fairly certain that I have some deep-rooted subconscious masochistic tendencies. But what if we actually appreciated people while they don’t hate us for something stupid and selfish we’ve done? That would be revolutionary. I love idealism. It gives me warm fuzzies. I am going to use it while I still have it.
I guess, you just do what you know how to do, or when the fabled “right” person comes along you don’t care about yourself so much. I don’t know. It’s all a little hard for me to believe. The movies have ruined it, because life is nothing like them. And, in lots of ways, it should be.
2 comments:
I was rereading your old blog entries again today (because that's the kind of creepy best friend I am), and this makes so much sense to me.
I think of a lot of things when I think love, but I'm realizing it usually involves some kind of "at home" feeling. You're right when you say that most of the time we aren't thinking about the other person in the relationship we think of us...I know that's what I do. Even now, I'm feeling like a jerk because at 2am in the morning (and throughout a good portion of the rest of the day) my head flips through guys like I flip through pages of a favorite book. I know the pages so well, but I don't know where to begin or where to stop.
Why is it so hard to just find one thing to focus your love on? And why am I constantly trying to fill the void in my heart with the love of guys or with poptarts instead of with God? No wonder I am left feeling empty. No wonder I can't stand myself about half the time. No wonder I have trouble being truly good.
I want to be able to give real love. Wherever it's needed...why instead do I wallow in this selfish neediness?
I think it's time to rethink love and how I'm going about getting it.
If I work on focusing on getting this love from God, on actually letting myself be loved by a God who truly loves me...I think I would be able to start loving myself and loving others for real. Not just this selfish facimile.
Thanks for your thoughts, Nik.
I miss you.
I love you.
J
ps. I'm going to put this comment on my blog actually...that seems ridiculous, but I'm going to do it anyway.
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