Non e possibile per me cosi.

"The levity of longing that distills each dream inside my head by morning watered down forget on silver stars I wish and wish and wish."--Conor Oberst

Its night time that gets me. Maybe because its dark and quiet, save for the sound of air running from the AC vents. Its when I feel like everything is so much to handle, and start wondering what the point is, and I just feel so low...

Thats another reason why my best work is created at 3am. The sad (literally) truth is that art generally isnt made when one feels happy. Why? Because you dont feel like making it. You are content with your life, and love the people around you when you are happy. But when you are sad, then the art you make, makes you feel like you are connected with something. That you are not alone in how you feel at that moment, that you are sharing in an experience that so many other great artists have had in their lifetimes. It makes you feel less alone.

Maybe Im just melodramatic and sentimental, but for me, art isnt about colors and canvas, its about feeling empathy. Understanding. That as much as I dont understand most people, and as hard as it is for me to relate to almost everyone I know, and as far as my friends are away from me, that for that hour, that instant, I know that there are other people who have lived and are living that have felt just the same way I did, right then.

But back to night.

The bad thing about 3am's is that for most of them, I havent done anything other than check my myspace and facebook 53 times each, and have watched seasons 1 and 2 of Family Guy. That I have this feeling of unproductiveness, of wasted time. I have a guilt for not being creative, not have actually finished just one of the couple dozen paintings I've started, not managed to finish the inkwash of Josh and Jenny's wedding, not drawn anything in my sketchbook in the last 2 weeks...and then it gets bigger than that. Then it seeps into the rest of my life. All the things I should have done and been by now, that I havent done or become.

Enter SuperNikky. She is too good for CrappyNikky to live up to. The previous entry should make more sense now. Remember I was still under the influence (of nyquil) when I wrote it.

I keep thinking about something that happened earlier today. It made me happier than getting into Cedarville, if thats possible. This really worries me--that it made me so happy that is. Its again with the getting attached to things that dont exist. I keep praying that God will take away these feelings if they're not from Him, but it doesnt seem to be working, and Im not sure if I just dont want it to work, or if Im supposed to feel like I do. I know Im being rather cryptic. I apologize, but its hard for me to write specifics. I work best with generalizations. (Jaymin, I will probably either email you or call and tell you about it.)

Anyways.

All that said, I think its time to start up season 3 of Family Guy and try to get some sleep.