I have been feeling creative tonight. I guess I had to turn all my frustrations (which I am pretty sure were spawned from several recent events, most notably going to my highschool's homecoming and seeing loads of people I graduated with, none of which would so much as smile back, or say hello...slightly disheartening.) into something else. I drew several silly pictures, and have been playing several silly songs on the guitar, most notably my favorite Wrecker's songs...who ever would have thought that I would like girl country? Wierd.
My last entry was optimism drained. Today has been more on the side of optimism regained--or perspective put in place. Suffice it to say, that I feel better. No closer to any sort of understanding, but better. I guess at the end of the day, no matter how frustrated I am with everything, just the thought of life working out makes me smile. Love stays with me.
I am trying to decide what I am going to teach on tomorrow morning for Sunday School to my highschoolers. Im thinking John 2. Water into Wine. Water symbolising life, of course, and wine symbolising joy. Turning life into joy. That sounds like a good topic to me. Heavily expounded upon with several other points, and tangents so as to fit the alloted half hour time frame, of course. I actually like that Im the only teacher in there now. Not because of ego issues or anything, the opposite in fact. I dont feel like Im going to say something stupid, I mean, I will say something stupid, but there isnt a basis of comparison, you know? Smart teacher, stupid teacher sort of thing. I dont know what I'm talking about.
There is a definite lack of profoundness here, or anything really. I didnt want to write in this blog just to write, I have enough fillers in my other blogs. I just dont feel like I have the energy to convey any real thoughts tonight. It does take something out of me.
Oh. One more thing.
I drove around Springfield the other night. I had a mix that I made in Atlanta for driving around there at night, like I used to do when I was upset or just needed some space, or to feel like I was a part of something bigger--a group of thousands of people driving around in their cars listening to The Verve and Bright Eyes and Brand New and feeling sort of desperately melancholy and disenchanted perhaps--but I digress. I was driving around Springfield, listening to the music that reminded me of Atlanta, and this whole flood, this wall of memories just flashed past, everything that happened there, everything about my life and my thoughts and everything--technicolor spinning in my mind.
I am really lonely here. I dont have any friends around. None. Zero. I miss my life and my independance at ABC terribly. I miss Northside Drive and Peachtree NE, and Fellini's and Centennial Olympic Park, I miss Josh getting hit with Jaymin's car, and watching people beat up helpless appliances, I miss my apartment, and watching movies with everyone, I miss Tommy Lee even though he wasnt our pet, I miss the Wall of Dale, and Michael--who is still trapped behind the stove, and I miss Jasmine and Macy visiting our rooms and eating the little yellow pellets from the pellet gun, I miss dancing like Janet Jackson and the Freak Hawk, I miss going to get milkshakes and grocery shopping with Kyle, I miss Dustin in those hideous pink slippers, and JJ playing guitar and cookouts at The Cheat's or just hanging out in his office, I miss and the Surly Man, I miss Ugly Frank and walks over at Clayton, I miss the Masquerade and the Tribesman. I miss Atlanta at night, with the lights and the cars--that--indescribable feeling you get when you're there.
I guess, maybe, what I miss the most, besides all my friends, is that in Atlanta, I didnt feel like a loser--I had my own apartment just outside of a place I love, and I had my own job that I really enjoyed working at--I had people that believed the same things as me, and were a constant source of love and support around me all the time (especially my first year there). I didnt feel stupid, or not good enough. I feel like that here. I feel like I'm failing, like Im not going anywhere--and that everyone here cares about that--but not about me.
I love my family. I do. But it is so hard for me to be here without anyone else.
Way to end on a happy note, eh?
Kyle will be here in January, around the same time I start at Cedarville. That will make things better. I'll be fine until then.
2 comments:
Nikky, I'll make actual comments on this particular entry in a moment, but hahaha...thank you. I knew what you meant about the whole "take her" vs. "take her OUT" buisness. Roomservice is great. I used it today when a conversation Jay and I were having got REALLY weird all of the sudden and we were both thinking horrible things that were..um...inappropriate to say the least. This time I think I was turning pinker than he was. haha. Awkward.
Yes, maybe we should just take her out. Hmm...the possibilities are endless.
My computer screen is going pink. Weird. Eh. We need a new one. Monitor that is.
I know what you mean about missing Atlanta and ABC. I miss it too, and for pretty much the same reasons, but I'll extend it also to playing tennis with Kyle, wearing flip-flops in January, DDR with the guys at all hours of the day or night, Dan running around in his bathrobe, Dustin running up the stairs with something he just had to tell us, running like squirrels, and using the caution tape in walmart to jump rope.
It WILL get better. I just wish I knew how. I get to see you next weekend though. That is a great way to start.
And sadly, I also am becoming a fan of girl country...haha. Dang you Taylor Swift and your catchiness...
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