Number of times I checked the mailbox today: 5
Number of times I cursed the mailbox for being empty: 6
Number of minutes stood outside in the rain: 13
Number of hysterical fits of craptasticness: 3
Number of emails, phone calls, or comments today: 0
Number of times I silently hated myself: innumerable.
Today sucks. I feel awful. Im beyond tired. Beyond sick. Beyond frustrated and depressed and angry. I just feel exhausted and awful. I dont even care anymore.
What good is it living in the most blessed country in the world if you feel so awful so much? I would rather live in shit than feel like it.
Im done with feeling like this. I just want to feel ok, but it seems like I cant. As soon as I manage to level off and be ok with things it seems like I fall further back.
All my rantings and previous complaints about the sucktasticness that is my life right now are only amplified by the fact that due to the freaking huge metal bars in my mouth I cant talk at all really, at least without it hurting or sounding half retarded and unintelligable. This means that not only can I not teach at church the 3 times a week that I am scheduled for, but I am not going to impress any employers sounding like I should be that one kid's sister from the Goonies. So my stress meter bars that indicate fear of disappointing others and frustration from not haveing any money have gone way past red into another dimension's color scheme.
I know things will get better. I do. They have to. But Im just so tired of things getting better only to soon thereafter feel worse than ever. I havent lost hope, Im just tired of it. Im tired of everything.
Whats worse is that this is compounding. I feel so crappy I cant make myself get anything done, and then I feel bad about not being productive, and it goes on and on and gets worse and worse.
I never wanted this to be a whiney sad blog like my others. I wanted it to be from my heart, (hence My Heart Exploding Words) I wanted it to be full of love and hope--but its become painfully obvious that my heart is not full of that. Not at this point in my life at least. Im trying to fill it with that, I want to.
Well. Time to check the mailbox again.
2 comments:
I love you. Good mail is on the way. Hold out that hope.
I'm sorry your braces are making you crazy. It honestly does get better and you'll sound normal again soon. It just takes a little time to get use to them.
I think it's kinda funny that I wrote my "I'm feeling ultra-lousy" blogpost before I read this. We definitely have some sort of weird ESP as far as feelings go.
Feel better my darling.
I love you.
My day is MUCH better than yesterday.
Negatives:
-I'm hungry (and haven't figured out what I should do about lunch, like, should I put a sign up and run to Subway or McDonalds or the Grocery store, or should I run to the ATM and see how much cash I have in my account and then run to The Cheese Shop...wow this is long)
-I'm tired (I woke up early because Tim escaped for the cage and so Mom, Joel and I spent about 20 minutes this morning searching the basement for him, but he's safe and the cage has been duct taped close...I need to buy a new one)
Postives:
-I get paid today
-I see the tall, blonde, handsome, musical genuis tonight
-He will be singing
-I'm done with my homework
-Terrence came in a visited today
-I've written another couple of letters
It's gonna be a-okay. :) It will get better! Honest!
I love you!!!
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