First of all: I am tired. I am true of heart. And also: You are tired. You are true of heart.

So, I began looking through A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genuis--with all its arrogant insecurites, its pretentious self-conciousness, and most of all its disgusting brilliance--I realized again that it is exactly what I want. I love that book because it is the embodiment of what I want to be. I mean, I dont want to do the same things as Dave Eggers, I dont want to fall alseep while drunk, or have sex without condoms, and sometimes fall asleep having sex without condoms while drunk...but I do want to be simply, obviously, effortlessly, arrogantly, timidly, profound. In the deepest and fullest sense of paradox. A wonderful mix of definite purpose and lack of pragmatism. To be, unashamed, unabashed, certain and full of doubt, wonderfully afraid and exuberant, heartwrenching and hopeful--but beyond all--real. Honest to God and self real.
I think if I were compeletly honest with myself my real fear like I have told myself over and over with many tears and soggy pillows, is not being alone. I am not so much afraid of living alone as I am of not living at all. Not seeing everything I can, and doing everything in my power, and being someone genuine. I am afraid of death before life.
I have two years. Two years before these god-awful braces come off and I can smile pretty and speak without slurring once again. Two years to save money, and learn all I can, and then I am going away for awhile. I dont know where. Maybe California. Maybe France. Probably both. And I am living. Whether or not I have someone else to go with me. Whether or not my family disapproves. I am tired of being afraid of not living up to other people's expectations of me, I am tired of being incapacitated by lonliness.

So there you have it.

"He that hath the steerage of my course, direct my sail. Onward lusty gentlemen!"