This blog should really be named: Diary of a Derranged Insomniac or something like that. Geesh. Must I only write at ridiculous hours about nonsense?
In a word: Yes.
Now A Quote:
"...he shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome...but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same..."--Emily Bronte
I've been reading Wuthering Heights recently, and Im not ashamed to admit its only because of Twilight. But I like it. There's not one good character in the whole book really, everyone is horrible, and selfish, or cowardly and more like real people than just about any other story I've read.
I really liked that quote there though, about how they're the same. Her love for him isnt based on how he looks, its not shallow, its in her blood, its part of who she is.
"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger."
Lovely.
Another Thought:
When is it time to give up?
When do you just let things go, when do you stop fighting for, or crying over your dreams and start living with the fact that maybe life doesnt have what you wanted in store?
Im still trying to figure things out, and I hate that about myself. I spend so much time talking about things, thinking about things, talking about how we should stop just talking about things and do things, but Im paralyzed. I fall short. I dont do what I want to do, I am desperately aware that this is my life and Im wasting it, with doubts, with hesitation, with all this uncertainty--but as much as I hate it, I dont change it. I stick with it, I live in it, and I pull other people into it.
When do I quit that?
When do I stop waiting fo the guy to fall madly yet improbably in love with me, stop waiting for a magical fairy to drop a load of cash on me so I can open up a coffee shop like I've wanted or go to France and buy a studio apartment to paint and eat croissants in, stop waiting for my life to fall into place before I live it. Its not going to fall into place. Its not. Its messy and awkward and above all lonely but its mine. When will I own up and accept it? Will I? Or will I spend the rest of my life with this wierd disconnect, feeling like Im looking down at myself like a stranger, like everything is foreign and doesnt fit?
This past week at FUEL Dale Bliss kept talking about how you have to own your life, you cant just sit back and watch it go. You have to make it. Maybe its time to stop making the cowardly lion look like the terminator (oh how I love Twilight) and start something real.
Yeah!
....How?
1 comment:
I don't know.
I guess we just take little steps forward. For me, it's owning up to the fact that I have to finish at Sauk. It's working out a payment plan so that I don't owe my dad money for the rest of my adult life. It's learning to pray and read my Bible and draw closer to God on a daily basis, not just when I have the time to pencil Him in.
I think it's all about us learning to follow in Joshua's footsteps. We need to be strong and take courage because God is with us, and He's not going anywhere.
On top of which, just remember what Arthur said in "The Holiday" (Oh, how I love that movie *sighs*) when he tells Iris that she needs to stop filling in the role of the best friend and instead learn to be the leading lady of her own life. Gumption. We need more gumption.
Nik, I really don't know how all we do this, how we grow and change, but I do know this: you are my best friend. I could not do this without you, but I know we have what it takes. We aren't cowardly lions, we're stronger than we think we are, and we are going to change things. Even if it is just one little step at a time.
I love you!
Love,
J
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