I love you so much that it hurts my head.

pop bang pow splat.

heart beats fall flat. 

My fingers are twitching and itching and my brain doesn't know how to stop them, so they're typing and typing away nonsense. Everything is nonsense.

Am tired. Am wired. Am coping alright. Am hopeful. Am wishful. Am not sleeping at night. 

I guess thats nothing new. 

But a new found deeper sense of worthlessness is!

Fantastic. 

It's been an eventful couple of months. Ok, so, it really hasn't but I still have miraculously not found the time to update this regularly...or at all. 

I've been spending alot of time writing and reading and feeling inadequate, so its been productive at the very least. I'm still only 21,000 words (roughly 62 pages) into my project "Somewhere In The Middle" but its got potential. I am hoping to have another 10,000 words finished by new years, and maybe look into having it considered for publication (under a pseudonym, naturally) in the next year or so. Thats kind of exciting. Whether or not it will actually happen is up for debate, but eh.

oooooooooh! And I found my copy of A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius again today after an extended period of misplacement, so that makes me very very happy in a sort of not really happy but kind of relieved that I found it because it bugged me not knowing where it was even though I wasn't really planning on reading it again anytime soon sort of way. Now that I have found it, I will read all the ridiculous and wonderful things Dave Eggers writes and seethe with jealously over the fact that I didn't think of them first, or rather, I thought I did, but I didn't, and I used many more crappy and incoherent (perfect example there in that) words to describe them.

I was talking to my grandmother today about something, I don't remember what, but she said this phrase "Well...God works in mysterious ways, but it's all for a reason." 

I told her I disagree with her. I think sometimes God doesn't work in any ways. I think sometimes bad things happen, somethings are just shit, and thats all they are. There isn't any reason for it, there isn't any apology, it just is and we have to deal with it. She looked at me like I was burning a cross, like it was horrible and blasphemous for me to think such things. I do not think it is blasphemous. I think there are somethings that God is not working in. I think there are alot of things that he is not involved in, but it is up to us to use them, take them, learn from them and see God through the mess. You can't tell me that everything happens for a reason, I don't see how that is possible, how God could have a hand in everything and still be at all good. Maybe I'm wrong. 

I just want to go to sleep...why can't I go to sleep...I just want to sleep...I close my eyes, I close my eyes and nothing happens, I close my eyes everything spins, I close my eyes...the ceiling is liquid, it gets darker darker darker...degausser is playing in the background...the dog is barking outside again, the ceiling gets darker darker darker....I just want to go to sleep. 

goodnight.