So Ive been walking around for the last several months with this knot in my stomach and this thought in my head that I might be something special, something different, that I might matter a little more than most people to one person. And Im tired of it, because all it has done has given me a headache and made me feel sick.
Jaymin recently gave me a copy of Captivating, the book for girls, the counterpart to Wild At Heart. Its all about figuring out what it means to be female, why girls act the way they do, why we feel certain ways, and what we show the world about God. I was pretty reluctant to read it actually, I guess I always thought that since I think girls are boring and stupid overall and I cant relate to most of them on a normal level, that the book wouldnt relate to me. But I was wrong. And that terrifies me.
I feel exacly how most women feel. I feel like most of the time I am completely alone, that even though I have great friends all over the country, a family I love, that something is missing, some big part of my heart isnt there. And I walk around everywhere feeling this, taking the unbearable lightness of empty space with me, into every situation, into every relationship. I always feel like something is missing. I always feel like I dont really matter, like somehow I should be better, stronger, smarter, prettier, and maybe if I succeed in that then I will feel ok. And thats not to say that Im constantly depressed, or unhappy---because Im not in fact, Im usually happy, but those feelings are still there, its this wierd thing, I cant even explain it--but like I said, Im not alone in this. Almost every woman I've talked to feels the exact same way, and I've been asking. Im not going to go into detail, if you really want that, pick up the book, Im sure it will change how to relate to half the population.
So, back to the first paragraph, and back to whats in my heart--Im tired. I dont want to be weighted down with uncertainty, with this horrible feeling that there is something wrong with me because I dont have anyone fighting for me, I mean, after all, dont all princesses have a knight braving all sorts of hardships for them? Im tired of feeling like Im nothing because no one loves me enough to do anything about it. The sick thing is, that its probably not going to change. That feeling will be there most of my life. For every womans life. We are built for relationships, thats how we find our value, and we are sinned against by silence, by indifference.
Wow. I never thought that my misogynistic tendancies would be so vastly altered. :) Dont worry, Im not going to burn any undergarments any time soon. Its just that I think every man, every person should do their best to make sure the people they care about know that they care about them. Chances are that you havent told them enough. I know I havent. I dont want to live thinking that I missed out on so many opportunities to tell someone that they matter to me, that they are valued for who they are, because I want someone to tell that to me.
Goodnight.
--Nikky
1 comment:
Thank you for that. I wasn't sure I was going to like Captivating either, for the same reasons you didn't, because I wasn't sure I could relate or be related to by "normal" women. It's amazing how God usese people to speak to our hearts.
I'm glad I'm not alone. Even when I feel no one gets it, I'm glad to know that you're there and that others get it too.
On top of which, it's sad to think about how many of us are really so tired. We're in our early 20's. It doesn't seem right to be so weary so young. How can this be cahnged?
And I loved your closing point...we do need to tell people how much we care about them more often.
Just so you know, you're my very best friend, and I appreciate you more than I can express. You're constantly giving me a reason to smile, even on days when things seem confusing and lousy. I love you, Nikky! Thanks for being my friend and sister!
Ah yes...the cheesiness, but it should definitely be said more often.
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