I feel like this picture pictures me tonight. Tired. Tired but hopeful. Mostly tired.Since I'm writing in here, you know I haven't been sleeping well again, it seems like the only time I ever have anything to say after midnight. Or maybe I just feel things more keenly after then, it seems like thats true.
Tonight I'm feeling the pressure of wanting too many things that I am not certain of. My heart feels very fickle, and a little bit sick. Mostly, I suppose, I just want one thing, but there seems to be a hundred different directions with a hundred empty endings I could run to trying to find it. Tonight is a rare feeling lately.
I've been very happy recently. Maybe the happiest I've ever been in my life. Really. And my life is pretty boring. Six days a week I get up late, I find nothing in the fridge that looks good for breakfast, nothing in the pantry, I settle for V8, I check the fridge again in vain, I go running for about an hour, I find nothing appetizing for lunch, I take a shower, I settle on something to eat that ends up making me feel a little sick, I do my makeup, I go to work, I come home, I study korean and recently chinese (I work at a Japanese Steakhouse where all the asians are Chinese, and one of them, one of the nicest people I know, bought me a mandarin workbook.), I talk on the phone to people who are incredibly far away from me, I feel really lonely for about 30 seconds, until I tell myself that all my hard work now will pay off in the future, and then I brush my teeth, put on RiffTrax and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. On the 7th day, I wish I had someone to call to do something with, but it's Monday and I have very few friends here, none that aren't married with real jobs really. So I do nothing.
Despite the dark twist I've spun upon that, I really am happy. Are you happy? Lets be happy. Tired, but happy. Mostly happy.
4 comments:
I miss you.
Nik, I'm glad you're mostly happy. I'm mostly happy too. I just need to convince myself to be healthier like you have managed to do, and then maybe I'll be even more than mostly happy because for the first time ever I'll actually not mind looking in the mirror so much. ha.
But really, I am mostly happy too.
I miss you.
Love,
J
Nik,
I am mostly tired. So very tired. All I can think about is that beautiful boy and his spikey hair and his beautiful eyes that (and he wasn't lying, though he meant it as a joke) pierce right through me and his fingers. His arms and laugh and the face he makes when things make him happy. Mostly I'm thinking about how much I hate that I haven't heard from him all day because I don't have texting on my phone. Texting...the one things I never ever wanted and now...I feel like I'm dying without it. I could call him, but i feel like that would be cheating somehow, and I really just want him to decide he desperately wants me. That it's not just me that aches desperately every minute he's not a direct part of my life. I hate that I miss him...and yet, he's the only thing I can think about...
I want him so badly. It's ridiculous.
I miss you. You'll hear from me tomorrow.
Love,
J
I miss you. I miss your words. I miss reading some of your words on here.
You know what else I miss? The Wall of Dale. I miss the weird warmth our silly apartment afforded us. Sure they were cheap and falling apart and the carpet was terrifying, but even so...I miss that apartment. I miss you and Jen and I getting excited over weird things. I miss us making that weird oreo dessert David Krogh makes and I miss watching "Queen of the Damned" so that I could get to sleep. I miss many things.
Then again, I'm excited to see where we're headed. You to Korea. Me to God only knows where. And what will happen in the meantime? We meet new people and create new meanings and answers to questions that we didn't expect.
Life is constantly changing, but I'm actually thinking that I'm okay with that.
I love you.
I miss you.
Love,
J
It's alsmot a year since you last wrote in this...and it's unbelievable how much as changed. Can you believe this?
I miss you, but I am glad we're growing up.
You still have my heart, my friend.
Love you,
J
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